A List of a Bunch of Men (and their ages)

March 22, 2026 By Joel Reads Bible

Bible’s Most Fantastical Ancestry.com Report

We’ve done Adam, Eve, Cain, Abel. We’ve unlocked good and evil. We’ve established that God prefers animal offerings to salads. Humanity has begun “calling on the name of the Lord,” which could mean prayer or could mean they just started yelling. And now? We arrive at Genesis 5.

This chapter is the Bible saying: “You know what would really move the plot forward? A spreadsheet.”

“He Called Them Man.”

The chapter opens with a recap:

God created mankind in his own likeness. Male and female he created them… and he called them man.

For a cult that gets their panties and briefs in a twist over the pronouns of people who prefer panties or briefs (I prefer commando), Bible seems almost progressive here. Let’s do away with these pesky pronouns and call everyone “man”.

Unfortunately, this is far too charitable to Bible. It’s not a book of gender abolition, rather, it’s a book of misogyny (as we’ve already seen). In this episode, “man” is trying to erase woman entirely from the conversation. The default is “man”. The stories are driven by men. Decisions will be decided, actions will be acted, vows will be vowed by men.

This is broadcast loudly in this chapter as there are no women important enough to list in these genealogies. There are mentions of daughters, all unnamed. Even in Adam’s section, we see that Seth was born, then Adam had other sons and daughters. Did Eve disappear? Is she involved? This is the erasure of women.

They just can’t be bothered to acknowledge women exist, so they reduced everyone to “man”. (Coming soon, my God Hates Women cheat sheet).

Death of Adam

… not in the day that he ate of the fruit.

He lives for 930 years. He procreates for 930 years. He’s living it up for 930 years.

Imagine a gangster held a gun to your head and told you that if you ate a particular plate of tortellini, he would shoot you. But you can’t help it, the tortellini just looks so good, you must take a bite! And once you do, he… puts his gun away and wishes you a long, full life. He actually goes out of his way to give you an abnormally long life. Finally, he returns when you’re gonna die anyway and shoots you in the head.

Adam might genuinely be the longest known lapse of time between a threat and its follow through.

Non-death of Enoch

The book of Enoch isn’t in Bible although it was written around the same time as the rest of the Old Testament. It’s also quoted in Jude. But maybe the folks who canonized the tome realized that it was a little too outrageous to commit it to being fact. Hard to imagine though… they left in the talking donkey.

Here we just get the first person to not die in the traditional sense. He was “taken”, but we don’t know what that means and we don’t know where. It seems as if he was raptured or something because God liked him more than other people. This is something for us to remember as something in God’s utility belt. If God so chooses, he can allow some people to not die, but be whisked away.

We could suggest whisking opportunities like instead of drowning countless babies: whisk them. Instead of having “man” stab loads of Amalekite babies: do some whisking. I know you need to break some eggs to make an omelette, but if these are innocent babies, don’t beat them, whisk them. (Not all the puns in this blog are going to work, okay?)

Live as Long as Methuselah!

Lists of names become really boring really fast in Bible and this one isn’t really much better than what’s to come, but it stands out because of how long these people allegedly lived. Methuselah lived to the ~~ripe~~ grizzled old age of 969 (oooh, hot). As he traversed the sweltering sands of the desert, there must’ve been a double-line between his footprints from his low hanging balls.

How are these people living so long? Well, there’s a hint with Thusy, if we take a deeper look. Sexy Selah waited to have babies until he was 187 years old. He took his time sowing his wild oats before settling down when his balls were probably knee-high. Enoch? Oh, he was impulsive and stopped pulling out when he was around 65, God took him only 300 years later when his balls were barely gritty.

They say kids keep you young, but it appears to be just the opposite according to Bible.

By the way, Noah waited 500 years before having his 3 named boys with his unnamed wife. I’m surprised he isn’t still alive with his balls on a reel like a hose.

What’s the point?

World building, probably.

But it seems to indicate a magical time, closer to creation when mortality was starting to creep into the human experience. We were created with robust DNA which could withstand the abuse of the desert sun and still live close to 1,000 years. These genes had only good stuff to pass on, so incest was perfectly fine and had no negative repercussions.

This debunks a common apologetic for slavery and some of the more horrific laws in the Old Testament and we will see how quickly this idea fails. The reason why God gave bad laws was to meet the people where they were at. They hadn’t grown to the moral understanding that we have today where we can actually understand that slavery is bad. They were too flawed. It seems this happens right out of the gate which is why the flood is necessary and the Tower of Babel.

But they were closer to the perfection of the garden (verse not found), the ideal creation. They were living for centuries because their bodies were closer to infallible. Why were they morally more imperfect? It’s counterintuitive. Why does the physical degradation take thousands of years to kick in, but the moral degradation was instant and total?

Anyway, this is more of an article than this chapter deserves. I’m sure there’s a joke or two in the video that didn’t make it to the page, give it a watch!

I love you.

Full Transcript

Preview and Intro “God is a real supporter of the trans movement. He’s not that concerned with gender norms. There’s one—it’s not a bi—it’s not a binary; it’s a single. Except, don’t call men ‘women’; that, I have a feeling, isn’t as accepted here. But you can call women ‘men’ as much as you want, because all women are… man.

Welcome back to Joel Reads Bible. I’m Joel. I read Bible. I’m reading the Bible from front to back, the whole thing word-for-word, the New International Version—because it’s the most popular version and it is fairly easy to read if you ignore the content. No, I’m just joking.

We’ve learned about Adam, Eve, Cain, and Abel. They’ve gained the knowledge of good and evil. We are starting to understand who God is: he likes animal offerings more than plant offerings. Last time, people began to call on the Lord; we don’t know what that means, but we’re going to see what happened. The world is becoming more populated; we’re not really sure how that happened—doesn’t go into detail—but what’s important is there was a lot of men born and those men were named.”

Verse 1 “Genesis chapter 5: ‘This is the written account of Adam’s line.’ This might get boring. ‘When God created man, he made him in the likeness of God.’ Self-referential.”

Verse 2 “’He created them male and female; he blessed them and when they were created, he called them “man.”’

This goes back to any complaint people have about these pronouns of, ‘You’re a woman, you can’t say I’m a man now.’ Pronouns don’t matter; all men and women are called ‘man.’ Whoever’s writing this wants to be able to reference ‘man’ and not worry about women, because he doesn’t want it to be like, ‘men and women, men and women.’ He’s like, ‘Listen, God created men, he created women; we’re just going to refer to them all as man, okay?’”

Verse 3 “’When Adam had lived 130 years, he had a son in his own likeness, in his own image, and he named him Seth.’

With who is Eve conceiving? We don’t know how old Eve was, but chances are she was older than 45. You know, he had a son in his own likeness, in his own image, and he named him Seth. He’s like, ‘You look—you have your dad’s nose.’”

Verse 4 “’After Seth was born, Adam lived 800 years and had other sons and daughters.’ Okay, good.”

Verse 5 “’Altogether, Adam lived 930 years, and then he died.’

That math checks out, and then he died. That checks out; we knew he was going to die. In an earlier chapter, God said that when you eat of the tree, you will surely die. It seemed like it was going to happen when he ate of the tree, but it turns out it happened, let’s say, 900 years later.”

Verse 6 “’When Seth had lived 105 years, he became the father of Enosh.’”

Verse 7 “’And after he became the father of Enosh, Seth lived 807 years and had other sons and daughters.’”

Verse 8 “’Altogether, Seth lived for 912 years, and then he died.’”

Verse 9 “’When Enosh had lived 90 years, he became the father of Kenan.’

Who was on SNL for 50 years? You know, because like Kenan Thompson is on SNL for like way too long; like, he’s been on that show for his whole life—I think since he was five.”

Verse 10 “’And after he became the father of Kenan, Enosh lived 815 years and had other sons and daughters.’”

Verse 11 “’Altogether, Enosh lived 905 years, and then he died.’

People are starting to live less and less time. Just a little less, a little less, little less. But that’s way too many years, I got to tell you. Like, who would want that? Also, why are their bodies not like deteriorating the way ours do? I mean, these people live in the Middle East, okay? It’s hot. And it was hot then, too, because God only wants to come out in the cool of the day. God can’t even handle it! And these people—what, they’re not getting the sun damage? That’s not aging them?”

Verse 12 “’When Kenan had lived 70 years, he became the father of Mahalalel.’”

Verse 13 “’And after he became the father of Mahalalel, Kenan lived 840 years and had other sons and daughters.’

So they started having kids earlier. That sounds Christian.”

Verse 14 “’Altogether, Kenan lived 910 years, and then he died.’”

Verse 15 “’When Mahalalel had lived 65 years, he became’—this is getting younger and younger—’he became the father of Jared.’”

Verse 16 “’And after he became the father of Jared, Mahalalel lived 830 years and had other sons and daughters.’”

Verse 17 “’Altogether, Mahalalel lived 895 years, and then he died.’

I think the idea is that yeah, they’re getting younger—they’re dying younger. Um, they’re having kids earlier and that’s going to normalize to where we are here. It just took a long time. I know that there’s been times in history where we would live to—mankind lived to like 30 or 40 or something like that. We died a lot earlier, and that was due to just, sometimes, germs.”

Verse 18 “’When Jared had lived 162 years,’ oh my goodness, ‘he became the father of Enoch.’”

Verse 19 “’And after he became the father of Enoch, Jared lived 800 years and had other sons and daughters.’”

Verse 20 “’Altogether, Jared lived 962 years, and then he died.’

So, have kids later, you’re going to live longer. I think that’s the lesson. This is a boring chapter, and I think I’m making it as interesting as possible.”

Verse 21 “’When Enoch had lived 65 years,’ now we’re getting younger again, ‘he became the father of Methuselah.’”

Verse 22 “’And after he became the father of Methuselah, Enoch walked with God 300 years and had other sons and daughters.’

Okay, that’s interesting. Why are we putting in the specific difference that he walked with God? And is that literal? We know that God did walk with Adam; he was physically there, we could hear him. It’s interesting to wonder what Enoch’s got going on that the other ones didn’t.”

Verse 23 “’Altogether, Enoch lived 365 years.’

Died young. God was probably like, ‘You’re fun! I enjoy hanging out with you. You know what? Why don’t you come to Heaven early?’ By the way, we don’t know about Heaven right now. I—should we? We have not heard anything about Heaven. It might not even exist.”

Verse 24 “’Enoch walked with God; then he was no more, because God took him away.’

I—I wonder if this is like, ‘Let’s keep it interesting, folks!’ We keep on saying the same thing over and over again. Uh, in this case, this guy walked with God and then, uh, he was suddenly no more because God took him away. That’s interesting, you know? But it is interesting.”

Verse 25 “’When Methuselah had lived’—ooh, bucking the trend—’when he had lived 187 years, he became the father of Lamech.’”

Verse 26 “’And after he became the father of Lamech, Methuselah lived 782 years and had other sons and daughters.’”

Verse 27 “’Altogether, Methuselah lived 969 years, and then he died.’

You have children young and you walk with God, which is what Christians do more now than ever. They’re abstaining, so they have to get married at like, as soon as possible—20, 18, 20—right away they have kids because they don’t know about protection or any sort of thing—things like that, they’re against it. They have kids right away, and then what? We’re dying at 80. You wait to start having kids at 187, you’re going to live 969! What is this telling us? Like, you know, a lot of people extrapolate things from the Bible that may or may not be there. I don’t know if that’s what I’m doing here, but I would like to say that if you wait to have children for as long as possible—men, I’m not saying this for women because different biology—but men, wait to have kids. Do it when you’re 80, you’re going to end up living to like, into your hundreds. Kids age you.”

Verse 28 “’When Lamech had lived 182 years, he had a son.’”

Verse 29 “’He named him Noah and said’—ooh, popular character—’he named him Noah and said, “He will comfort us in the labor and painful toil of our hands caused by the ground the Lord has cursed.”’

Is this the ground that because of Cain it had become cursed?”

Verse 30 “’After Noah was born, Lamech lived 595 years and they had other sons and daughters.’”

Verse 31 “’Altogether, Lamech lived 777 years,’ sounds holy to me, ‘and then he died.’”

Verse 32 “’After Noah was 500 years old, he became the father of Shem, Ham and Japheth.’

500 years old, this guy! Like, I’m waiting. He probably noticed what I was talking about. He’s like, ‘I was going to wait till—but I got excited.’ I bet you these incels these days are going to live forever. They are never going to die! As long as they don’t, you know, kill themselves in some sort of weird suicide mission, they will live forever. So if you’re an incel and watching this—which the chances might be fairly high—but if you’re an incel and you’re watching this, don’t get so excited about getting a girl, having children. It’s a huge mistake. As soon as you have kids, you start dying.”

Closing Thoughts “So this is exciting—well, it wasn’t. This was a boring chapter and I apologize, but I didn’t write it. Not all the chapters are going to be lousy like this. Some of them are going to be really interesting. There’s going to be bloodshed, there’s going to be sex, there’s going to be all sorts of violence and horrible things. In the next chapter, I think God’s going to kill everyone in the world. Please subscribe and, uh, let me know something in the comments if I missed something interesting in here. I don’t think I did, because it just wasn’t that interesting of a chapter. Uh, thank you for watching.”